Internet Explora! - Eli Osei

NB: This is completely satirical and does not express the actual, real-life, personal, existent views of the writer.

Internet Explora: Blog post #257                                                                         


Hey gang! Happy 1998!

Internet Explora, the most popular 90s blogger on the whole internet which should like just totally be renamed the blogosphere because there are like so many blogs on it, here. I have so much to catch y’all up on so let’s get jiggy!

I was watching TV’s hottest show, Seinfeld, the other night, when I suddenly had an epiphany. About fifteen groovy minutes into the episode called “The Puerto Rican Day”, which is the pen-pen-pen-penultimate episode but just the pen-penultimate episode if you count two-part episodes as one, Jerry said “What’s the deal with lampshades? If it’s a lamp, why do you want a shade?” 

I felt that. From one home skillet to another, I am a lamp and the world is my lampshade. Here’s what I mean: there’s nothing wrong with me but there’s so much wrong with the world. I’m happy and the world is sad. I’m rich and the world could be doing a whole lot better. Sometimes I’m having a really great day and then I step outside and everything is gloomy, and then the world expects me to be gloomy as well. Ugh, as if! Listen up world, if you continue to rain on my parade: I’m audi, I’m audi, I’m audi. I promise, I will leave and you will be sorry. I hear John Glenn is going back to space and if it wasn’t for my influential blog and my millions of fans, you best believe I'd be getting myself a one-way ticket to Jupiter. 

Mother says that there’s a new search engine on the stock market. I find that totally laughable. These ‘Google’ people are just wasting their time. Thinking you could compete with Internet Explorer is like thinking Nokias will become outdated or Clinton is a bad president. It’s a stupid, stupid thought.

Sometimes it feels like the world is ending. In 1996 I was one of the only bloggers on here. Today, everyone’s a copycat. Or should I say copysheep? Let’s talk about Dolly! 

In my opinion, which you all know is very important, cloning is like totally wrong. It’s like what my favourite author, William Shakespeare, once said: “It’s Shakespeare, bitch”. 

And I’m sorry about quoting one of the greats and getting all intellectual with you guys, but I really do think there’s just so much we can all take away from William’s work. When he says “It’s Shakespeare, bitch” he means that he is Shakespeare and no one else. He means that no matter how much Ale he drinks and no matter how hard he parties on the streets of Stratford-upon-Avon, he will always be Shakespeare. Now if Dolly was to say “It’s Dolly, bitch” one would not know which Dolly the sheep it was. Too many sheep spoil the shank and set harmful precedents that will one day become the very things that obliterate the human race. Cloning is going to destroy individuality and run society into the ground. I do hope that the good people over at the University of Edinburgh take note of this academic essay

Right, now it’s time for me to answer some questions I received from you guys at home! I just want to thank you all for once again being such great fans. The amount of love and financial tokens of your appreciation I receive from you each week is so incredibly overwhelming. I don't deserve you! Keep it up!

Let’s get answering!

Questions of the Lost Ark:

Q: Hello Internet Explora, I hope ya see this. My name is Danny, from downtown Chicago. Aduzipach, chooch! You’re a disgraziat’, ya know? Ffangul! Haicapid? Haicapid? Mannaggia la miseria! Maron’, maronna mia! 

A: Hey there! Thank you so much for the message! Your kind words are certainly appreciated! I’m picking up some Italian in your accent. Am I correct? You’re not Danny Devito, are you? If so, Pulp fiction wasn’t amazing but I loved you in Space Jam, that one’s definitely going to be a classic! Ciao!

Q: Hey Internet Explora, my name is Rachel. Sometimes I feel lost in a perpetual cycle of nothingness. Every day feels the same, every hour goes by slower than the last, every minute I lose hope. Your blogs are the only things that keep me going. I love the satire. Your “Is equality really necessary?''  piece was the bee’s knees. My friend, Timmy the imaginary Parastratiosphecomyia Sphecomyioides, and I truly believe that you should pursue a career in stand-up! 

A: Hey there! Thank you so much for the message! Your kind words are certainly appreciated! 

Just to clarify, the “Is equality really necessary?” portion of my last blog was not satire. It was a genuine academic essay, just like the one in this blog entry, with a genuine conclusion. Maybe give it a reread? And if you’re ever feeling sad, just stop! Lots of love, Internet Explora.

Q: Hey Internet Explora, no one reads your blogs. Stop acting like you're famous.

A: Hey there! Thank you so much for the message! Your kind words are certainly appreciated! 

Also, thank you so much for reading my blogs! But remember, questions end with question marks so you should have said something along the lines of:

“Stop acting like you’re, famous?”

I love my fans. 

Well, gang, that’s all we’ve got time for today!

Stay groovy, live loosely. 

I’m Audi. 

-Internet Explora